I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Two words: blizzard sex
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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