I saw his package. It spoke to me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
