You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We had to coat check the pizza.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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