Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
