Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
