first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
