He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
