Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
