Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
