Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
