gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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