Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
