just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize