If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
