First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
