Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
