john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
