Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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