This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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