I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
