there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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