hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I have aggressive nipples.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize