Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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