just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize