he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
