did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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