Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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