I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
