Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
