when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
