dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
