Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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