There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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