I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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