I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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