you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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