sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
