Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
