what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize