OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
