the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
