I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
