I am puke
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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