I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
