I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
