my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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