You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
