so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
