we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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