It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
