saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize