I feel like abortions should bother me more
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
