textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
