Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
