Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
