she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You're like the curious george of whores
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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