All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
